It’s so hard to say Good Bye

It’s so hard to say good bye…It’s so hard to even accept it.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve done in a very long time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt this much pain.

IMG_2740Even as I write this words, it feels like a really bad dream, and deep down I wish that it was.

For the people that know me, or have heard of me, they know I always say I had two kids, my boy that is my universe and  a daughter.  My daughter was the most beautiful chocolate princess and she had four legs and a lot of fur. Sadly I had to say was since she passed away last night.

So many people think of this as crazy, a dog is a dog, but she never was one, she didn’t know she wasn’t human, I always treater her as my baby.

She wore a seatbelt in the car.  She actually waited for me to fasten it, she got tucked in bed every night, she slept with her toys, that if they were not by her side I would promptly bring to her.

She had weight issues, that we kept on talking about with her doctor at Banfield, we did Thyroid test, they always came back “normal”, she will get tired walking, had issues with other dogs, but they kept on telling me all her blood work was normal.

Finally earlier this year I switch my Banfield locations and the new doctor asked me why we haven’t checked her thyroid, like I didn’t care for her health.  All I had to say was check her records, we’ve done it several times and all I got was her being referred to a dog behavior specialist so that it would be easier for us to walk her.

She saw the results were not normal, even her Cholesterol was high!

We did the test again, and got her on thyroid medication… In no time she had energy, was feeling better, her hair was again soft, we couldn’t be happier.

My other child left for college a couple of weeks ago, she usually will get sad, eat less, but then she’ll bounce back.

Around a week ago, she vomit, then she was fine, it was at night, so I would sleep with her, thats what you do with your kids, right?

Last Saturday night I got really sad news, one of my cousins had died, I was very sad, and as usual she got quiet when I was sad, but then Sunday, she looked lethargic, and was refusing food completely, this was unusual, she wasn’t eating much, and then she was now vomiting.

Monday Morning I took her as an emergency to her doctor at Banfield, they did blood work and diagnosed Pancreatitis, that was serious! then she mention that her bilirubin was high and it could be cancer, that was devastating! The doctor did X-rays, bloodwort and gave us a reserved diagnosis.   I couldn’t bring my self to leave, so I sat for a couple of hours in the bookstore that has a cafe next to the petstmart, then asked again how she was feeling, they said she was better but might need to be transferred somewhere else, regardless since they close at 7 we needed to pick her up at 6:30, take her to an overnight place and then bring her in the morning.

When we went to pick her up the doctor told us that she needed to be on special food for the rest of her life, and was going to need extra care, but she would be able to live the rest of a normal life.

At this point we decided to upgrade the medical plan she had been on to the “best one”, since it would make sense with all the extra things she was going to need.   This “saved us” $200 of the $600 and some we had to pay, the new plan covered the X’rays.

She mentioned that if she kept on refusing to eat or if she vomited we should take her to the overnight care place, she said they tried to feed her, but she refused food.  So knowing her, she wouldn’t get food from strangers, we agreed to take her home, try to feed her and if she didn’t eat or if she had vomit again we would take her to the overnight care place she had referred us to.  So we did as she said, got her the I/d medicated food and came home.

She refused to eat, we even got her a new stuffed animal that were here favorite toys, she barely looked at it.

We knew that wasn’t normal, so we took her to the place the doctor had told us, to where she had previously call to tell them she was coming.

Leaving her overnight was beyond heart breaking, we brought her elephant that was her favorite sleep companion, we called close to midnight and where told she was just sad, crying a little, but that she felt better when she got her elephant, that had pooped a little and it seemed to be painful, and she needed to be picked up at 7:45 to be brought back to Banfield.

In the morning when I went to pick her up I asked if she had eaten to what  the doctor was shocked and not very happy, she explained than when a dog had pancreatitis the were not supposed to be fed, she said that we should request an ultrasound to make sure the gallbladder was working and if not that she needed emergency surgery.

When I dropped her at Banfield I requested no more attempts to feed her and told them what the doctor said, this was by 8:10 in the morning, but the doctor didn’t come in until 9.

I waited for the doctor to call, but when it was 9:31, I couldn’t wait, I called.

I spoke with the doctor for 6 min according to my phone records, I told her about the food and she called the other doctor “old school” and that the ultrasound was not necessary since she was improving.

I called back at 12:35 and was told our princess could come home! she might be needed to come back the next day for more fluids and meds, but she could come home for the night, so I was happy.

I tried to do everything for work so that I could stay up all night if needed.

At 3:45 the doctor called me to say she was bleeding, that they couldn’t stop it, that it was most likely internal bleeding and she was going into something that she couldn’t coagulate and they couldn’t care for her, that we needed to come get her right away and take her to an emergency place, I asked her to call my spouse, I couldn’t process what she was saying, what the hell had happened, only 3 hours and 15 min before she was coming home!!!

We rushed back to the banfield, tried to talk to her, I asked her if they knew what was happening, now she mentioned the need for the ultrasound that the other doctor had said since the night before, the one she didn’t need because she was getting better, the one she couldn’t have done because she didn’t have the equipment!!! That she also forgot to mention, now they couldn’t care for her, they were not equipped for it.

On our way out she had to urinate, her urine was red, all red!!! the answer from the doctor…. You better rush to the place I referred you too, this was a new place, we didn’t know, it was rush hour, and I had my baby that now could barely hold her self, she was on my legs and there was nothing we could do but pray that we could get there faster.  I don’t think it took more than 15 min, but they felt so long. We got to this place, and she was immediately taken for examination.

When the doctor came to see us, his face said it all… She wasn’t doing well.

We asked for the ultrasound, and they had the equipment, but not the person specialized, they had left for the day, he said that if we could have come during the day that would have been done, now it had to wait till the morning.  He checked her chest, asked about heart issues, her heart wasn’t doing well, her breathing was labored, and she was in enormous amounts of pain.

Once again, she is not a dog in my eyes, she is my baby! and she was in excruciating pain.

He did an emergency ultrasound that says if she had “free blood” as internal bleeding, but could’t be precise since he wasn’t a specialist, in that non specialized ultrasound he found a mass on her liver, that off course needed to be sent to another specialist, and then they needed to run other tests and he just kept on going, that most likely this was something that was happening from before.  Just like her Thyroid, they didn’t even look at her tests.

Like on our last 3 visits in the past two days they came with a bill, told us that they would do a coagulation test during the night to see if that was working and then in the morning when the specialist came they would do that test that we came for.

I was upset! we were send to another place that could not do anything of what she needed, not for another 12 hours! why was she pushing for us to rush here! they were on the same place! My baby was slowly dying and there wasn’t anything to be done!

I asked him, point blank to be honest, if she was going to get better, if she was going to be kept in a cage alone for nothing, if we should think she would eventually come home.

What  would he do if it was his dog?

He couldn’t say anything, he knew she had missed the opportunity to get better by now.  All we would be doing was just more poking, more drugs and more pain.

I asked a family friend that is a Vet, he told me it didn’t look good, and there wasn’t much hope.

Now her belly was yellow, the inside of her ears was yellow, her eyes … were yellow and filled with pain.

I had to make a decision, and believe me this is the hardest think I’ve done in my entire life.

We could keep on postponing it or let her go… This guy couldn’t bring himself to give us hope.

There was none, she was brought back to us, they gave her more pain killers, and even like that she was in pain.

I decided to let her go. The doctor even said that everyone that was on the back (treatment area) would have decided the same.

My Baby was gone in a minute, she was gone before the injection was finished, she rest peacefully on her elephant, and she was no more.

I can’t explain this pain, I can’t explain that I couldn’t breathe, my spouse and I were breaking in pieces and there was a void that I still don’t know how to fix.

My son had to say goodbye to his sister thru a video call, and yes she  was my daughter. She is and will always be my baby.

Today I called banfield to cancel her medical care, and was told that regardless I have to keep on paying every month for a year, since we “upgraded” on Monday night.

I went today to get her records, and was … I don’t know the proper word to use here, upset, shocked, mad, amazed… Feel free to pick and choose what would fit here. to see the notes.

From last night:

The doctor that put her down, the one who told me it was the right decision, that anyone working there would have done the same, supposedly call the doctor from Banfield and told her that she could have done well and possibly recovered, and off course I was “scattered brained” and emotional… I wonder why.

I still can’t understand how she was better and could come home at 12 and then at almost 4 she was dying.

Now the cherry on top.

In their notes it says that hey call my spouse at 9:37 am, right after she hanged up with me?, and they added that they had extensively talked to him about the ultrasound that I had asked for, that they had said that we could do extensive hospitalization or euthanize.

There are no records of any of my calls, just my phone records that I have saved already.

When we walked out that the doctor saw the blood in the urine, all she said was that we needed to fly to the emergency place.

Now in her records it says that she offered to euthanize.

All of this is beyond painful, now I am sure that there were so many opportunities to help my baby, that Banfield is a place that doesn’t care about anything beyond making money, that their vets are there to see numbers not to offer a service.

Nothing will bring her back to me, nothing will fill this void, nothing, absolutely can replace her.

I just lost a child and I also have to deal with a company that is nothing more than a bad service with high fees.

Please if you love and care about your four legged kids, whether you call them dog, cat, pet.. Don’t bring them to this place! Banfield doesn’t care about their health or wellbeing, at the end of the day, for them is just a business transaction.

About Juanita

I was born in South America, and moved to North America when I was in my late teens. I had a kid and needed to be able to support him on my own, so like most immigrants I ran after the american dream. I love and try to keep most of my latin traditions, mainly the old school things and values. I'm on my 30's, I am a Mom & I love every second of it (yes even when I feel like I want to run away before I kill him). I love to cook and bake. But keeping my family healthy is a must! Like most women I Love chocolates also reading, working and anything that helps me be a better person. I am always working on improving who I am, I am thankful for all my experiences (good, bad and ugly), because of them I am the person I am today! I lack any coordination, have a "special" sense of humor So, yes I could be a lot of fun, most of the time I will keep people around me, very much amused (and my body with new bruises) I belong to the club of "I don't fall, I do random gravity checks", I am also constantly attacked by furniture! Those things are secret ninjas! Some day someone else will see it too! I am just another person fighting to be who I am, and hoping to get more to join my path! Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” - Bernard M. Baruch
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